Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

this is the kind of friend i am

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then