Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

as is their right

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok