I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Mistakes were made
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
i would wish you the best but i am the best
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue