I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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🙄😏😂🤣
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
just left a huge legacy in there
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
How all things should be taught/explained.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.