Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said