I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.