I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
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Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap