Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

I only look at Wordle for the articles

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Called it

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!