I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
uncle dave has been through hell
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
life finds a way
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
This came to me in a dream.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
why I oughta
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.