I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.