Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Only Americans understand

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for