Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.