Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?