Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.