Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

*ernest hemingway voice*

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!