I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Sorted
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.