I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
When someone says you are so lazy
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?