I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
making sure he doesnt get away
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Hot Hot Hot
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB