I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato
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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.