I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato
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She was REALLY feeling it.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
step 6: release the wall snake
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
this FaceApp is creepy af
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”