Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

🤣dope

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one