I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?