Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow