Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.