Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

sin harder.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

We made a comic about a space heater.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.