Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

shazam but for random noises outside

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.