I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it