I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.