Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins