I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
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Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Me irl
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.