I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
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Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.