I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

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*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?


I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.


Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich


Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails


“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct


me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye


Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”


doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password