I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.