@shellenger

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

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@SondraDeeMe

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@waydybee

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

@pixelatedboat

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

@pilau

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

@PaperWash

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password