I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
(by @ZachWeiner )
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.