Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.