I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom