I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Raisins are grape jerky.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
This is my brand.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”