I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Found my door mat
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps