Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

i feel so bad i refunded him

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

🤣🤣🤣

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.