@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

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@thtchicmichelle

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

@shkeeber

Her: You into S&M.

Him: Sure.

Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*

Him: Oh yeah.

Her: Ready…?

Him: Torture me!

Her: *plays Nickelback*

@TheWoodenslurpy

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

@OuterJohn

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

@shkeeber

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.

@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

@teeaysmith

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

@Diversion50

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