@Aspersioncast

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

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@AndyRichter

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

@MaryJustice86

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

@alexjmann

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

@robfee

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

@RunOldMan

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

@GrillyJoel

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

@Gupton68

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

@ericsshadow

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@dadthatwrites

When I’m being productive, I put off a productivity pheromone that my toddler can smell & it makes her suddenly crave my undivided attention.