I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.


I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”


You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.


The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof


Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.



*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}


Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?


ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote


*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played


When I’m being productive, I put off a productivity pheromone that my toddler can smell & it makes her suddenly crave my undivided attention.