Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
You Might Also Like
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Her: You into S&M.
Her: Good. *ties him to bed post*
Him: Oh yeah.
Him: Torture me!
Her: *plays Nickelback*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches