I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
my dog when i have a friend over
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.