I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Bootstraps
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself