I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.