I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
