I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.