Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh