Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

[eats all your cotton candy]

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”