I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me buying fruit and veg
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*weighs self after shaving
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”