I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
You Might Also Like
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies