I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END