I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
You Might Also Like
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it