I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble