I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
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Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
pls suprot
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part