Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Feels

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there