I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Mornin
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
