I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Wait a minute
