Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice