Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

I believe the plural is “milves.”

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.