I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
You Might Also Like
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Every time.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant