I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Nice try Hitler
