Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.