I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
uncle dave has been through hell
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days