I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america