To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
just witnessed a drug deal
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*