I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
