Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

#CoronaOutbreak

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert