Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Truth

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches