Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.