I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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It’s Dublin.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
