I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
dads on road-trips be like
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
