Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Sending in my taxes

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.