Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

I just stopped by to water my horse.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Finally, an explanation.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.