Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?