Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.